PETER GRUNTS
PETER: Say something, Esther.
I love you.
Say something else.
No.
ESTHER PRAYS
You don't love me.
Yes, I do.
But love's not enough for you.
Sex has its own rules.
Sex only has one rule:
procreation.
BELL RINGS
FRANZ SCHUBERT'S "AVE MARIA" PLAYS
BELL RINGS
HE SOBS
No...
Are you Sister Mary? - Never call me Sister Mary.
Call me Ma.
OK.
You've aged, Andrew, but you've kept your good looks.
You've aged too, Ma, but you haven't.
I should have followed my instincts and broken open the alms box
and then spent all the money on a good plastic surgeon.
Did you have ever regret becoming a nun?
No! If I hadn't become a nun
I never would have raised my two precious jewels:
you
and Lenny.
The Pope is a jewel. I'm just a bungling missionary priest.
You're both jewels, Andrew. And besides, you're a cardinal.
Yeah. Which means nothing. Absolutely nothing.
But we aren't here to talk about me, Ma. How's our Pope?
In seventh heaven!
In seventh heaven, right.
I mean, who would ever imagined
that Lenny would become pope!
Me.
I should go now.
It's never a good idea for a nun to be in a cardinal's room.
Well, if you see our Pope, tell him to hurry up and give his address
because I would like to get back to my good works.
Or bad ones, that remains to be seen.
Don't you like it here?
This place smells like incense and death.
I prefer the smell of shit and life.
You haven't changed at all, I see.
And you, Ma?
Will you change?
Now that you've become a powerful woman?
SOFIA: Good morning. - Good morning.
I don't know if it's a good idea, Sofia.
I'm afraid it's premature. - Premature, Your Eminence?
The time it takes to develop and update the merchandise
it means we have to move right away
before the fakes start appearing.
The crooks are always so much faster, who knows how they do it.
Criminal organizations are faster because they don't forgive inefficiency.
At the risk of seeming too materialistic, Your Eminence
do you know how much the Vatican coffers lose for every day
that passes without any new papal merchandizing on the market?
Not exactly.
Now do you understand why I need the Holy Father's immediate approval?
Yes, I do. But you don't know him.
And believe me, he's not an easy one.
He's a difficult, unpredictable man.
So? I'm a difficult, unpredictable woman.
True. Which is precisely why I'm worried.
Let me handle it. You'll see, it'll go fine.
Help us, Pipita.
Who's Saint Pipita?
He's not a saint, he's the center forward for Napoli.
SOFIA LAUGHS
What a lame joke.
I see you've lost your optimism along with your sense of humor.
Sense of humor is irrelevant for the Secretary of State.
May I smoke as well, Holy Father?
Unfortunately not.
His Holiness John Paul II, in his day, forbid it.
May I tell you something, Holy Father?
That's why we're here.
With all due respect
seen from up close, you are an extraordinarily handsome man.
I had asked to meet the Prefect for the Congregation for the Clergy
before anyone else, and you, I think it's safe to deduce
are not the Prefect for the Congregation for the Clergy.
No, but I would like to be.
So would I. But they made me Pope, instead.
THEY LAUGH
I'm in charge of marketing here in Vatican City.
Did you study marketing in college?
At Harvard, to be precise. - Don't sound so cocky.
The word "Harvard" may impress people around here
but to an American, it means one thing only:
decline.
Did you know that when the Archbishop of Boston would visit Harvard
he'd boast to everyone that he never washed his feet?
SOFIA LAUGHS
It was public knowledge, and at Easter, at the washing of the feet
everyone was terrified that the Archbishop of Boston might be chosen.
SOFIA LAUGHS
As soon as I became his superior, I sent him three envelopes.
In the first was a letter transferring him to Alaska
in the second was some soap
and in the third a note card on which I'd written: "choose".
And what did he choose?
The soap. - I imagined.
Right. But what you couldn't possibly have imagined
was the fourth letter I sent him.
"Excellent choice, Archbishop", I wrote.
"You'll find plenty of water in Alaska."
SOFIA: A most edifying anecdote, Holy Father.
But I don't want to waste your time
so let me come right to the point of my visit.
Please. - As you know, Your Holiness
the Vatican holds a monopoly
on the production of any and all merchandise
with an image of the Pope on it.
Today's papal turnover requires us to come up with new designs
which we will then need to get into production as quickly as possible.
All those items with the Holy Father's picture on them
which the faithful just love
and which make up a sizable slice of the Vatican budget.
I see. Go on.
What would be required then is a brief photo shoot
which will then enable us to get into production as soon as possible
a series of items displaying Your Holiness's picture:
key chains, postcards, ashtrays, lighters, picture cards, plates...
Plates?
Yes, of course, Holy Father, plates too.
In addition to the usual plastic plates, which sell for five euro
we were thinking of something more refined.
It occurred to us that we might commission a special plate
from Vietri, in Campania.
The craftsmen there do the most marvelous decorations
so naturally we were thinking
of creating a plate with your portrait right in the center
painted by the very best Vietri's craftsmen.
Nice. And how much would they sell for?
Forty-five euro, at least. - Ah, a reasonable price.
I would say so, considering that we're talking about
craftsmanship, Holy Father, handmade
not some cheap factory production.
Perhaps we could send one to all the heads of State.
An excellent idea, Your Eminence.
Good, very good.
Very good.
- Good. - Very good. - Yes, very, very good.
- Very, very good. - Good.
Wait a minute. I'll be right back.
Good.
Where did he go?
To get a gun, I imagine.
Come on! It went fine.
Do you see this plate, ma'am?
Yes... of course I see it.
Good.
This is the sort of merchandise I'm prepared to authorize.
But it doesn't have your image on it!
I do not have an image, my good lady, because I am no one.
Do you understand? No one.
Only Christ exists.
Only Christ.
And I'm not worth forty-five, or even five euros.
I am worth nothing.
I don't understand, Holy Father.
Of course you don't
because, as you said earlier, you studied at Harvard.
And Harvard is a place in decline
where you were taught to lower yourselves.
Whereas here, in the Vatican, we try to elevate ourselves.
Who exactly is in charge of curating the image of the Pope?
The Secretary of State entrusted that delicate task to me
Holy Father, two years ago.
Very good. And now I'm going to tell you what you
as curator of the image of the Holy Father, are gonna do.
You are gonna fire the Vatican's official photographer immediately.
No photographs of the Pope are to be issued.
Just as there were none when I was a cardinal or a bishop.
Do you know why? I never allowed my picture to be taken.
And when someone managed to sneak a photograph of me
I always bought them up before they could be published.
Now that I think about it
I've been training my whole life to be an invisible pope.
And so, for my first address, you will see to it
that the light is so dim, no photographer
no TV cameraman, and not even the faithful
will see anything of me but a dark shadow
my silhouette.
They will not see me because I do not exist.
If I may, Holy Father, what you are proposing
is nothing short of suicide, media suicide.
Media suicide, you say?
Fine.
Now try to keep up with me, if you can.
I'm right with you, Holy Father. - Good.
OK, so, who is the most important author of the last twenty years?
Careful now, not the best, virtuosity is for the arrogant
the most important, the author who has sparked
so much morbid curiosity that he became the most important?
I wouldn't know. I'd say... Philip Roth.
No. Salinger.
The most important film director?
Spielberg. - No. Kubrick.
Contemporary artist?
Jeff Koons. Or Marina Abramovic.
Banksy. Electronic music group?
I don't know the first thing about electronic music.
You say Harvard is a good university! Anyway, Daft Punk.
The best Italian female vocalist?
Mina?
Now do you know what it is
what the invisible red thread is that connects them all
all these most important figures in their respective fields?
None of them let themselves be seen.
None of them let themselves be photographed.
But you're not an artist, Holy Father. You are a head of State.
Yes, of a city state so small that it has doesn't have a outlet to the sea
and in order to survive, its leader has to make himself
as unreachable as a rock star.
The Vatican survives thanks to hyperbole.
So we, we shall generate hyperbole
but this time in reverse.
I'm beginning to get your point, Holy Father.
Yes, not only am I beginning to get it
I'm beginning to like it, too.
Good, very good.
A British newspaper got the scoop
with the headline "The Pope smokes".
And this is how the world responded.
"Dear Pope, what do I have to do to believe in God?"
Tommy, Amarillo, Texas".
I want us to write back to all the children.
AGUIRRE: Of course, Holy Father.
And how would you respond to this child, Eminence?
- I... - You'd write back and say:
"Dear Tommy, think of all the things you like.
There, that's what God is".
ANIMAL GROWLING
I knew it, there are mice in here.
HE SHUSHES
That's no mouse.
PRIEST: A gift from the Australian Foreign Minister, Holy Father.
We thought we would donate it to the bio park.
What do you mean "bio park"?
PRIEST: The zoo.
Not on your life.
ANIMAL GROWLS
ANIMAL PANTING
You can come out, sweetie.
BELARDO: We'll set him free in the gardens.
Do you intend to follow me even in my more private moments?
I wasn't following you. I too enjoy communing with nature.
Well, what do you know?
Just one day, and we've already discovered
we have something in common.
Don't be funny with me. - I've never been more serious.
And worried. About the Pope.
The Pope is a saint. Let him be the one to worry about you.
Yes, I've been told he chats with kangaroos
a San Francis of Sydney.
By "saint" I don't mean "a good man".
I mean he's literally a saint.
The Holy Father and you would do well to be a little more humble.
The Vatican is a State.
There is politics, finances
there are delicate balances
and grave dangers, if those balances are upset.
Yes, but there are also lobbies
internal tensions, scandals, vendettas, and threats.
All of this the Holy Father understands only too well, Your Eminence.
His bizarre refusal to show himself in public is just crazy.
To reveal his eyes, right now
may be too much, too much for the world.
I'm afraid I don't follow you. - You will, one day.
At any rate, let me reassure you that we intend to tackle
all the concerns that you have raised, one by one.
We? Who's we? You and the Pope?
Do we have two popes now?
We also intend to tackle the question of the Cardinal Secretary of State.
It's a good thing you've come, Sister Mary
I was getting bored.
I must admit, you're a first-class adversary.
At any rate, here is the address I wrote for him.
I worked on it all night long.
It's a good address. It's well balanced, prudent
and takes account of various positions.
It's diplomatic, in other words.
Haven't you realized the Pope is indifferent to diplomacy?
VOIELLO: Yes, and wrongly so.
We are an anomalous State
and diplomacy is the only thing we have
other than a handful of buildings and some works of art.
Let me say again, it's a good address.
I have infused it with all my commitment, all my passion.
Have you already seen Dussolier? - Eh... no. Not yet.
Do you have any ideas for your first address?
Because you could ask Spencer for advice.
I don't need Spencer's advice.
That incident today, with the kangaroo was...
Stop it. It was nothing.
- Just chance. - Okay, just chance.
And that time when we were... - Stop it.
PHONE RINGS
SISTER MARY: My dear faithful ones
I'm sorry I'm late.
Laughter from the audience.
But here I am.
Look at me.
Only don't look at me. Look up.
The Pope points to the sky and the stars.
Do you see the sky?
Do you see God?
No?
You don't see Him?
No matter.
Now look at the person next to you.
Look joyfully upon him
and remember what Saint Augustine said:
"If you want to see God
you have the means to do it.
God is love."
DOOR OPENS
Thank you, Sister Mary.
So, I finally get to meet
the Prefect for the Congregation for the Clergy.
I've been anxious to see you.
Here I am, Holy Father.
Did you vote for me in the Conclave, Your Eminence?
Not even once.
Why not?
Even though I don't know your ideas
in truth, no one does
you are a pupil of Cardinal Spencer.
Cardinal Spencer is a conservative
a moderate one, but a conservative nonetheless.
I am not a conservative.
I figured that you were probably a conservative as well.
Are you, Holy Father?
What do you think?
I think that if the name you have chosen, Pius XIII
is intended to signal a continuity with Pius XII
then there is the reason for concern.
Let's not forget that Pius XI considered Mussolini
to be a man of divine providence.
At any rate, the College of Cardinals was very rash
to elect a pontiff whose ideas and...
orientation they did not know.
I agree with you.
It was rash.
At any rate, Holy Father, please do not take this as a criticism
or think that this will in any way dampen my obedience.
You asked me a question
I considered it my duty to respond truthfully.
I appreciate your sincerity.
I'm going to ask you another question
and you will grant me the courtesy of another sincere answer.
Of course, Holy Father.
Are you homosexual, Your Eminence?
Yes, Holy Father.
BUZZER RINGS
Time for your snack, Holy Father.
BELARDO CHUCKLES
My snack? - Yes, Holy Father, your snack.
Right, that's what she calls it.
I have to have my snack now.
Goodbye, Your Eminence.
DON TOMASSO: I saw Sister Mary coming out of Cardinal Dussolier's room.
BELARDO: What else?
People are saying that Sister Mary is the real Pope, not you.
Who's saying that?
Cardinal Ozolins.
He's heard it said that Sister Mary
uses "we" when she talks about the Pope.
"We will do, we will tackle..."
I overheard him talking to the Vatican Secretary of State:
... he said.
And how did the Vatican Secretary of State react?
He was impassive.
He's a clever devil, that one.
But it's a lie, what Ozolins says.
It is a lie.
Isn't it, Holy Father?
Of course it's a lie.
A woman will never become the Pope.
I am the Pope.
Good morning, Mrs. Patanè.
Good morning, Cardinal Ozolins.
This office is falling apart, I'm quite fed up.
Give me a hand, Mrs. Patanè.
How many times have I said it needs to be renovated?
Ah, here you are. What alacrity.
It's enough to raise one's voice around here
for things to get resolved.
The door won't open.
EMPLOYEE DRILLS
How can I thank you, Holy Father
for having entrusted the Vatican Museums to me?
There's no need to thank me.
What made you enter the Church, Your Eminence?
Life is so short. I decided to opt for eternity.
BELLS TOLLS
BELARDO: Did you receive your calling as an adult?
GUTIERREZ: No, I heard the call.
Right here
when I was sixteen.
Right here
where May afternoons land.
That light spoke to me and said:
"Be calm, Bernardo, be calm."
The boy had become a man.
My mother, my father, they were here with me.
They looked at me
but they were no longer themselves.
I was no longer myself.
"Where do afternoons land?"
the voice of conscience asked.
"They land here", I replied.
And the voice responded calmly
"Yes, it's true
but I will continue to protect the boy."
BELARDO: What have we forgotten?
We have forgotten...
What have we forgotten?
We have forgotten...
What have we forgotten?
We have forgotten...
What do you think, Holy Father?
I thought it was beautiful, I thought it was full...
Did I ask your opinion, Sister Mary?
What? No, I just thought... - Keep quiet then.
BALL BOUNCING
Your address is really beautiful, Eminence.
Balanced, yes, but a balance of love.
Which is exactly what love should be when it is full and resolved.
I, on the other hand, have never truly known what love is.
I have never really lived.
But I've come to the right place, though:
a city state filled with lost souls who have never really lived.
Sister Mary?
Sister Mary preferred to dine in her apartment this evening.
SISTER MARY: What is it you wanted to say to me?
What have you decided about your address?
I've got some very clear ideas about it.
Do you think you might use some of what the Secretary of State wrote?
No.
It's rather weak.
I thought it was beautiful. What a shame, Lenny!
Sister Mary. SISTER MARY: - Yes, Lenny.
From now on, you are to call me Your Holiness.
As you wish, Your Holiness.
I remembered now what it was I wanted to say to you.
SISTER MARY: What?
You can let everyone know...
that tomorrow evening, at 9 p.m.
Pope Pius XIII will appear on the balcony at Saint Peter's Basilica
and deliver his first official address.
SISTER MARY PRAYS
BELARDO: I love you, Michael.
I'm so happy you asked me to come see you.
I couldn't wait to talk with you, Michael
to thank you
and to tell you I owe it all to you that I've gotten this far.
You taught me about life, you taught me about theology.
I was supposed to be Pope.
I know. But that was your mistake.
SPENCER: You could have refused the deal Voiello offered you:
to betray me in exchange for the election
What are you talking about? No one ever offered me a deal.
You liar!
But I don't expect anything from you.
You don't know how to love.
Don't talk to me like that. Please.
If you think I'm gonna talk to you differently now that you're Pope
let me tell you something, Lenny, that's never going to happen. Never!
Don't talk to me like that, you're hurting me.
I'm hurting you?
You've ruined my life.
You destroyed any sense of destiny in my life.
So I spoke with Assente.
He confessed to being gay.
It's unacceptable that a homosexual
heads the congregation that trains priests. He's out.
That's nuts. - I want you to take his place.
We'll work together side by side, every day.
You can continue to mentor me, just like you've always done.
Are you crazy?
People will say you are just doing a favor for a friend.
Who have you taken me for?
Did you really think I'd accept your charity?
Charity? I don't have the power to make you Pope, Michael.
It's not true that you don't have the power to make me Pope. You do.
What? - Resign.
I'll win in the next Conclave.
I wouldn't be so sure.
The Conclave is mysterious. - SPENCER LAUGHS
You don't know shit! You're just a blue-eyed kid.
The Conclave is merely a place where games get played.
Games in which you were never included.
You're just saying that to hurt me.
I'm saying it because I'm the one who invented all the games
that get played during Conclaves.
If you invented them, then why aren't you Pope?
I shall soon find out.
Things went the way they did, Michael.
Please, just accept it and accept the post
as Prefect for the Congregation for the Clergy.
You'll be the most powerful man in the whole Church.
And Michael, help me.
I'm begging you, help me write my first speech.
I need you. - But I don't need you, Lenny.
Help me write my speech, I need your advice.
I have no more advice.
Get out of my house, Lenny.
Why did you have me come here, Michael?
To remind you that you're the Pope now.
And you are all alone.
Just as you have always been.
And that you're a nothing.
Nothing!
Your Holiness Pius XIII...
BELARDO: Tell me about my parents.
Your parents left you at the orphanage
saying they couldn't keep you anymore
because they had to go to Venice.
And you didn't ask them what they had to do in Venice?
We didn't ask questions.
What were they like? - I don't remember, Lenny.
I must have seen thousands of parents
leave their children with us, I can't remember them all.
I remember them. At least I remember them in my dreams.
In theory, they might still be alive.
Yes. They'd be just over seventy now.
And, in theory, they might still be in Venice.
They could be anywhere, Lenny. - I search everywhere
I pray everywhere.
But I don't see God.
Because I don't see my father. Because I don't see my mother.
I, on the other hand, see everything.
What do you see? - God's plan.
A complex architecture that depends on you, Your Holiness.
Everything is so clear.
BANGING SOUND
Who's in there?
No one.
Go see for yourself if you don't believe me.
All of Vatican City is yours, Holy Father
and so is this apartment.
No one loves me, which is why I am prepared
for every kind of vileness, from everyone.
Holy Father, I see Christ's reflection in you.
And in Dussolier?
I see Christ's reflection in him too.
A paler reflection.
THEY SING "ACQUA SIAMO NOI"
BELARDO: My dear faithful ones
I'm sorry I'm late.
But here I am.
Look at me.
Only don't look at me. Look up.
Do you see the sky?
Do you see God?
No?
No matter.
Now look at the person next to you.
Look joyfully upon him
and remember what Saint Augustine said:
"If you want to see God, you have the means to do it.
God is love."
CROWD CHEERS
THEY APPLAUD
CROWD CHEERS
CROWD: Pio! Pio! Pio!
CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
Pio. Pio. Pio
Not now.
Let yourself go, Your Holiness.
And if the saint here were you, Gutierrez?
CROWD CHEERS
CROWD: Pio. Pio. Pio.
What have we forgotten?
CAMERAS CLICK
We have forgotten God.
You! You have forgotten God.
DRUM BEATS
I want to be very clear with you.
You have to be closer to God than to each other.
DRUM BEATS
I am closer to God than I am to you.
DRUM BEATS
You need to know that I will never be close to you.
Because everyone is alone before God.
I have nothing to say to those
who have even the slightest doubt about God.
All I can do is remind them of my scorn.
And their wretchedness.
I don't have to prove God exists
it is up to you to prove that He doesn't.
Are you capable of proving that God does not exist?
BELARDO: If you aren't able to prove it, then it means that God does exist.
DRUM BEATS
God exists.
And He isn't interested in us
until we become interested in Him, in Him exclusively.
Do you understand what I am saying?
Exclusively!
Twenty-four hours a day.
Your hearts and minds filled only with God.
There's no room for anything else.
No room for free will, no room for liberty
no room for emancipation.
"Free yourself from God", I've heard people say.
"Liberate yourself from God."
DRUM BEATS
But the pain of liberation is unbearable
sharp enough to kill.
Without God...
you are as good as dead.
Dead, abandoned strays wandering the streets.
We want to look you in the face.
You want to look me in my face?
Go see God first!
I won't help you. I'm not gonna show you the way.
Search for it.
Find Him.
And when you have found God
perhaps you will see me as well.
DRUM BEATS
Stop it! How dare you shine a light on your Pope?
What you are doing is more than a simple lack of respect.
I don't know if you deserve me.
I don't know. At this point...
I don't know if you are worthy of me... I don't know...
DRUM ROLLS
ROLL OF THUNDER
SPENCER SIGHS